August Reflections

August--the end of the summer months and the start of Fall and then Winter--you're favorite time of year when it is not nearly as hot as the sweltering summer months. In August of last year, I was a mess. You had just gone and I was unsure of what to do or what to think. I replayed the last few weeks of your life over and over again in my head. You were so weak that you wouldn't (or couldn't) talk to me. The last thing I heard you say was "tell her I will talk to her later." Later never came, Mom. I told Vlad just that night that I needed to go see you because you sounded so frail. That was the night before you died and part of me died too. Our later never came.f

I was angry- so angry. The last thing I heard my Mom say was that she would talk to me later. Why could you not just make yourself talk to me one last time. Maybe if we had known it would have been the last time, you would have. How could we have known and if we did what would we have said? I can't really say what I would have said then, but I know what I would say now:

Thank you, Mom.

Thank you for being brave enough to tackle any situation and make the best of it for us. Choices were not always good, but you made the hard choices and accepted the consequences.

Thank you for loving me when I was hard to love and forced you into impossible situations.

Thank you for the lessons you taught me that I did not understand until I was old enough.

Thank you for letting me go when I now know how hard it must have been on you.

Thank you for every conversation that made us laugh and I apologize for the conversations that made us cry.

Thank you for teaching me that strength of mind is just as important as strength of body.

Thank you for being my Mom.

There is not a day when I don't think of you. In the month following your passing,  it was hard for me to grasp the full implications of what it meant. Forever. You were gone forever. I would never hear you laugh or call me JJ or hear you talk in that sing-song voice you sometimes used. I was slipping into a depressive state and then I found out I was pregnant. There is no doubt in my mind that Cristian is what kept me sane and able to move on, and there is no doubt that you played a hand in this timing.

I was able to focus on this new adventure in my life rather than dwell on what I did not have any longer. What I did have was a wealth of knowledge that I learned from you on how to be a caring mother. That is what I hope to be for Cristian. I do have moments when I wish you were able to see him smile or see the little boy he will grow to be, but I know you do see him. You are his guardian angel as you have been mine.

Cristian has also given me the gift of perception. Looking at him and feeling the depth of emotion I do, I can only imagine the heartache you felt when I casually mentioned things like picking up and moving across the country. You never complained and it was only later that I realized how much you missed me. Again, thank you for letting me go and be my own person.  I appreciate all that you sacrificed, all that you did without a thank you in return, and all the things you did that I was unaware of to provide for me. I wish I was able to tell you this now. 

Even though you are not with me physically any longer, you are still with me in the decisions I make, the appreciation I have and most of all, you are in my heart and my thoughts every single day. I love you, Mom. Everyday, always, forever.